Corridors

While it may not look like it, the mean temperature in the office hallway is an accurate mirror to whatever's going on outside. In today's case it was around 10 centigrade. Up the stairs are the offices of KinoTraffic, the media company owned by HITLER KAPUT!'s producer, Sergey Livnev.

Our chief helper is a woman named Ludmilla. She's upstairs, too. She knows zero English. But she's very nice and a hard worker. On days when I need a little pick-me-up, I go upstairs and say, "Cheekoo. Kitaisky Zelunye," which is "Tea. Chinese Green." They all think it's very funny when I speak Russian.


Down this hall are the restrooms. There's three of them. You need a key for them. We have a key. So we use the first one.

But here's the problem. There're all these Khazak gypsies living in the building. They're the construction guys. They're remodeling the 2nd floor. So you'll be heading off to the bathroom and there'll be this hirsute looking dude in sweats and bath slippers shuffling towards you carrying a pot of new potatoes.

It's not that that's not disconcerting enough; obviously I'm concerned about the hygienic implications. But we're kind of lucky because the gypsies don't get to use our rest room. But here's the real issue. And you'll have to forgive me because this may get a little graphic. So send the kids out of the room. But here's the thing. For some truly bizarre incomprehensible reason, the water that fills the toilet reservoir is hot water. And the toilet is always running, the way a broken one sometimes needs you to jiggle the handle. Okay, no big deal. But -- well, because of the temperature in the bathroom (very cold), there's always steam rising from the bowl. So when you sit down on it suddenly it's like your ass is in a sauna. Pretty soon you're... well, dripping. And by the time you're ready to leave, you don't need toilet paper -- you need a towel!

At the risk of seeming indelicate, my cheeks don't need a schvitz every time I sit down on the john. I'm beginning to wonder if I'd rather use the gypsy's room.